I am happy to announce that the United States of America has now finally won its war against terrorism. The strategy used to accomplish this goal was simply brilliant. The civilized world struggled unsuccessfully for years to rid the world of terrorism by getting down into the trenches and battling insurgents on their own home turf. We soon discovered that a new terrorist would pop up just as quickly as we would take down an old one. It seemed as though we were playing a never-ending game of “terrorist whack-a-mole.”
New leadership ushered in a new era of ideas. We had been fighting this battle on the wrong front. The United States redirected its efforts to pinpoint the actual root of the problem. Our leaders eventually determined that the only real way to rid the planet of terrorism would be to actually attack the word “terrorism.” Major news organizations got onboard and announced that violent Islamic terrorists would now be referred to as “rebel forces.” Terrorist attacks themselves would now be referred to as “crimes.” We stole a page directly from “the artist formerly known as Prince.” The enemy became “the rebel forces formerly known as terrorists.”
This new tactic regarding the global war on terror proved to be very successful almost immediately. Terrorism statistics began to show a significant decline. We finally had these rebel forces on the run. There was obviously a sharp uptick in local crime during this same time period, but these petty crimes could be dealt with on an individual basis by local law enforcement.
The good news is that the global war on terrorism has finally ended. Terrorism is now gone for good. The bad news is that there are still large organized groups of severely religious gentlemen who are rapidly gaining power by overthrowing entire government entities with the long-term goal of eventually removing your head from the rest of your body. Perhaps we need to announce a new global war on whatever the hell you want to call this.
